20 weeks.

I promised I wouldn't stop documenting this little man.  I HAVE TO keep going...for as long as he's with us, I will continue to share his story inside of me.

20 weeks today -- and our sweet little man, Clark William Mooney, officially has a name.  Clark is after Clark Gable, my grandma Goose’s favorite actor from her most favorite movie Gone With the Wind.  And William is after Mike’s dad -- his middle name.  Clark was a favorite and we couldn’t give our sweet little fella anything less than if the situation was different, so Clark he is.  And ironic? Funny? Coincidence? But Goose LOOOOOVED snuggling babies. Like SO MUCH. And it just seems perfect that our little Clark will most likely be getting lots and lots of Goose snuggles and hanging with her to watch over us until we can see him again.

How am I feeling?! HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Really.  I mean, about as good as you'd expect under the circumstances??!  It's been rough, I'm not going to lie.  My appetite is gone, I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted yet sleep just doesn't come, and I cannot stop thinking about our sweet little man and what's to come...amongst a million other things.  It just has been an experience I never thought I'd go through and yet, here we are.  Trying to take each minute as they come and take lots of deep breaths, lots of hugs from my big kids, and lots and lots of talking with Mike (and truly whoever else wants to talk or listen) because keeping it in fucking sucks.

It was a torturously long weekend...I couldn't wait until Monday morning when my doc would call me again to get me filled in on the game plan with the amnio and high risk OB.  Well, sparing you the details...I fought with the insurance company A LOT about amnio coverage and let's just say we are probably going to have to pay for some of it.  I loathe my insurance company and today was just the icing on the cake with that.  My OB got a hold of the high risk OB and I am *hopefully* getting in to see him later this week...so that's good.  I mean ideally I'd love to get in tomorrow but I get it, he's busy and last minute so I'll take whatever I can get.  We'll then kinda make a plan to go from there and literally just take things a week at a time.  Deep breaths Alex, it'll be alright.

Yesterday just was a challenging day -- between trying to get appointments scheduled and just all of the insurance BS and then I had to head up and do pics for a little baby who passed away (great timing, huh?!?!) -- it just was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting.  And sleep just isn't coming which adds to everything.  This is truly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

My letterboard company Felt Like Sharing posted this ^^^ and it couldn't have run any more true.  I am staying positive, trying to look at the good in things but even though things may not work out I know that I will be okay.  My family will be okay.  We will get through this together.  And that is giving me hope.  Taking it one day at a time and just trying to stay positive and with all that is put ahead of me.  I mean, even having to snap a baby who passed had a silver lining -- I was able to connect with a nurse who reached out to the high risk OB for me to make sure he (or my OB) gave me a shout.

Anyways, 20 precious weeks with our baby has come and although every other week I say how it's flying by...the past week had moved eternally slow.  I'm sure the days and weeks to come will do that too.  But I love this little man so much and am celebrating every second I get to share with him.

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