Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Lady

Spoiler: this is not a nice post.  I usually try and keep my bloggin' happy and positive and mostly filled with cute stories and pictures of my kiddo and dog.  However, this post will most definitely not be that...and for good reason.  For whatever reason, this week has not started off on a good foot--I feel like I've got a chip on my shoulder.  No need to bore you with those details, but I thought a stop by my beloved Strange Donuts on my way to work this morning would qualm my already angered start to Monday.

Welp, as much as I love donuts, that didn't work...because shortly after consuming a Rainbow Pony done (which was actually a cake donut instead of a glazed = not as good), I got a message on my phone that went something (exactly) like this:

Hey...so 5 months to go?!!  Are you sure???  Not to offend you, but you look massive in your pictures already!  Maybe it's twins or triplets!?!

Cue angry smoke-coming-from-the-nose emoticon right there.  Wow.  Regardless of how I look, this is something you never ever EVER say to a pregnant woman.  EVER.  Of course, you may think this (heck, who doesn't think not nice thoughts about others?!!), but you never verbalize (or in this case, even worse, put it IN TEXT that is easily reaccessible and screenshotable) it to that person.

It is one thing for ME to comment ON MYSELF about how big I am--because, duh, I can take my own judgements, but just cause I verbalize them doesn't mean you can do the same.  And my recent FB post, as seen above, I was merely pointing out that my favorite "Los Pollos Hermanos" shirt (a la Breaking Bad) wasn't going to make it to the halfway preggo mark this go'round.  Needless to say, that text was not the way I wanted to start my Monday/week, so I've taken to my blog to vent some of my frustrations.

I know I've read countless other blog posts about things you don't tell a pregnant lady.  YES to all of them.  And I'm sure this post will be just another one that regurgitates what others have said.  Although, it is different too, because this one is personal; all of these things have happened/been said to me directly--something no pregnant woman ever wants to or should have to hear.  So, here's my list of things you do not say to a pregnant lady.

1. Starting any statement off with, "No offense" (or, as above, "Not to offend you")--right there you've immediately offended me.  Hint: if you have to preface a statement with the word "offend" in any form, you're going to offend that person.  So saying, "Not to offend you, but you look massive already!" is massively offensive.  I don't care that you prefaced it with that you're not meaning to offend me...you actually just did.  And now I'm self-conscious of how pregnant I look, and I still have a whopping 22+ weeks to go.
   
2. Using any term that is synonymous with big or large (hint: massive is one of these).  Go grab a thesaurus, look up big and/or large, and never ever use these words in a sentence to describe how a pregnant woman looks.  Also, avoid comparing said pregnant lady to large animals (i.e. a whale, walrus, hippo, etc...) as well.  Those are ANIMALS, a woman, regardless of how pregnant she may get/appear, should never be compared to one.
   
3. Commenting about how far away her due date is.  This is actually something that has happened to me twice in the past week--one time being the lovely message I got above.  The other time was when someone said to me, "Whoaaaa, April is kind of far away and you are already showing a lot."  First off, no kidding.  I know to the day when my due date is and how seemingly far off it is--you don't need to remind a pregnant lady of this {lengthy} time line ever--she already knows.  Keep those observations where they belong: in your head.
   
4. Inquiring about what birthing method she is going to use, and then interjecting your {unsolicited} opinion as to why you think yours is better for her.  This seems to be a regular occurrence for me: I'm having a scheduled c-section with #2.  I had a rather rough labor and delivery with Patrick and I'd rather not experience that again--among other reasons, so I'm electing to have a c-section with this kid.  My body, my choice.  I shouldn't have to constantly justify or defend something that I want.  The fact that so many people feel it's their business to "educate" me on VBACs and why I should try one ("better for the baby!" or "speedier recovery for you!") blows my mind.  Whatever birthing method a woman decides to do is her choice and hers alone; if she wants to look into another one, she doesn't need your guidance or push to do that.
   
5. Speculating on a pregnancy before it's been made "official."  This is wrong on so many levels: if you have a suspicion that you think a certain woman might be pregnant, that's fine--keep it to yourself.  When she/her partner are ready to announce, they will.  Don't comment on what her tummy may appear to look like.  Some women, myself included, aren't stick-thin when not pregnant--I always have my "mom tummy" tagging along with me in between pregnancies, and I'm sure it looks like the start of a "cute little baby bump!" to some, but really it's just my not flat stomach that I clearly don't give enough attention to because I'm too busy working, working more, chasing after my 18 month old, and just utterly exhausted to even think of hitting a gym.  So yeah, "out" or not, don't ever comment on a woman's seeming "baby bump"...and if she is "out", refer back to #2 above in what not to say about her growing belly.

Whew.  I feel better.  Rant: over.  And I hope whoever is reading this seconds my sentiment in things you should never say to a pregnant lady.  Regardless of what you're really thinking about when you see a very pregnant woman, refrain from the above and instead tell her how beautiful she is, or how glowing she seems to be, or, better yet, if those comments aren't your cup'o'tea, keep your mouth shut, eyes averted from staring, and negative thoughts or questions securely kept where they belong: inside your head.