National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2019
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
A year ago I was just a day away from turning 20 weeks pregnant -- something that I very much remember at the time being a milestone -- a horrible milestone: our baby, whenever he would pass, would no longer be classified as a miscarriage but instead a stillbirth...because once you get to 20 weeks in the medical world a loss is then characterized as a stillbirth rather than a miscarriage (loss prior to 20 weeks). Isn't that a grim think to think about?! But I remember very much so last year that once I hit 20 weeks, when my child would pass he would be stillborn. It was truly a devastating feeling...and I would be joining a club that no one wants to join.
Here we are a year later and I am 34 weeks pregnant with Clark's sweet little sibling and hoping and praying so much that we get to meet him or her in less than 3 weeks happy and healthy and screaming -- something that we never got to hear Clark do. But today is very very at the forefront of my mind: because I am 1 in 4 -- I have lost a child to stillbirth, and I pray so hard for the baby in my belly that he/she doesn't meet that same fate and for all of the other babies that have gone up to heaven far too soon. No one should have to bury their child -- or bring them home from the funeral home in a teeny tiny little urn -- but here we are. A day dedicated to remembering just that. And celebrating it too -- because as sad as today is, I am also celebrating the nearly 22 weeks I got to spend with Clark and the little signs I see of him everywhere I go. Heck, that pic I snapped above I swear I see a little blue orb just to the left of his urn...I feel like he showed up to say hello to me. I see him everywhere and as much as I want him here with me, I know I can't have that -- so I'll take the little signs of him I do come across anytime they show up.
Today I light this candle for our sweet little Clark -- I hope he's shining bright up there and keeps shining down and watching over us for all the days to come...until we meet him again. We love you so much little C, and miss you more than you'd ever know!
Big hugs and love to everyone who is also lighting a candle today -- for their own babes, for someone else's, for anyone struggling with having lost a pregnancy or baby. It sucks. So much. But I hope you find comfort in that you're not going through this alone...that you have worlds of support and love from others who are and have been in your shoes -- and that your little one(s) keep shining down bright on you from above too. It's okay to keep quiet. It's also okay to talk about your babe too.