An Open Letter to Michelle Duggar

I have watched the Duggars for over 10 years--wayyyyyy back to their first special "14 Kids and Pregnant Again!" airing back in 2005.  Obviously, if you're no stranger to my blog here, our views on many things differ greatly.  However, I always found the Duggars interesting to watch despite our contrasting views on nearly everything.  I've always been a reality TV fan, especially the shows that document every day happenings for families, so naturally I enjoyed watching the Duggars.  Several of my friends would watch too and we'd always chat about what happened on last night's episode or comment on the happenings of the Duggar family.  It was nothing more than casual conversation about a show on TV.

There have been several scandals that have plagued this family the past several months, stemming from the eldest's inappropriate and hypocritical behavior in the past and then again most recently.  However, as I could write a post entirely on that, that is not what this here post is about.  Scandals seem to go hand-in-hand with people in reality tv, so it didn't shock me at all when it happened to the Duggars.  But, what I'm more aghast about is the matriarch Duggar Michelle's recent newlywed marriage advice blog post on her family's website.  Aghast is probably a nicer word for it, actually.  In reality I'm livid, outraged, and fuming over this advice she's totting out to young women.  There have been a'many articles written ever since she published her post...and I decided to pen my own response to her post on my blog in an open letter format.  So, her it goes.


First off, I want to thank you for taking to your blog to respond to a fan's question--not a lot of reality TV personas do this so it's great to see when someone in the spotlight takes time out to respond to the people who make their famousness a reality.  However, that's where my appreciation stops.  Plain and simple, your marriage advice is crap.

Just to reiterate what you wrote in your blog post as advice for new wives: “And so be available, and not just available, but be joyfully available for him. Smile and be willing to say, ‘Yes, sweetie I am here for you,’ no matter what, even though you may be exhausted and big pregnant and you may not feel like he feels. ‘I’m still here for you and I’m going to meet that need because I know it’s a need for you.’ ”  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!  Time out.  I thought marriage was a partnership--equality in a relationship for both parties involved.  Some give, some take, but it's equal.  You're partners.  What you are advocating here is not that at all, you are promoting women to be subservient to men.  Um, no.  NEVER.  And maybe this is where our beliefs differ, but, excuse my language, there is no way in hell that I'm going to roll over and take something that I don't want.  EVER.  Period.  You know why Michelle?!  Cause, believe it or not, women have needs too.  And sometime that need is to leave me the hell alone because I'm tired.  Or pregnant.  Or dealt with screaming sick kids all day.  Or I just.don'  So, where in this marriage advice of yours do you account for the women's need?  Cause from that tid bit, you don't at all.

I know, I know, you go on to attempt to deflect a complete subservient message by saying, "While I am always joyfully available for him, in turn, he’ll lay down his life in any way. He will sit there and listen to everything I need to tell him because he knows that I’m there for him, too. I’m meeting his needs, he’s meeting my needs."  Oh, even Steven!  You willingly submit to whatever he wants to do to you (his needs), and he'll sit and listen to you talk (your needs).  First off, men suck at listening, so you're getting jibbed on that.  And secondly, no.  Just no.  You are comparing apples to dinosaurs.  Your "listening need" is not the same "physical need" as his.  So just cause he's a great listener, fantastic, that still doesn't give him the right to make you his sex slave.  Whoops, I said it.  Cause guess what Michelle, that is exactly what readers like me are hearing, readers who are educated, smart, free-thinking women.  You are basically saying women need to be subservient sex slaves to their masters, er, husbands.  NOPE NOPE NOPE.

 I think I've made it very clear how asinine I think your post is.  But now I have a message to counter yours:

Women, from young ladies to grown adults, single, married, and everything in between: you are strong.  Your voice needs to be heard.  You are subservient to none, you are your own boss.  Your relationships, in whatever capacity--friendship, dating, marriage--should always be equal.  No one needs to tell you how to feel except yourself.  No one is in control of you except yourself.  I will teach my daughter these things, as my own mother has taught me.  My daughter will not be submissive nor roll over for anyone, and neither should you.  Find someone who respects your needs as much as you respect theirs.  And, as Jessica K says, breathe fire.


A strong, powerful, fire breathing wife and mama

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