One Year Ago...

One year ago today this happened...

We found out we were expecting our #4, our sweet little Clark.  We had just gotten back from our European vacation and came back home with a stowaway on board!  I documented all about Thursday, June 21st, 2018 over here that I later published once our news was out.

This morning I was flipping through Timehop, as I usually do before I roll out of bed, and allllllllll of the memories from this day last year came at me like a ton of bricks.

Little Annie was going to be a big sister!  #4 was on the way!  Excitement and joy and all that came with finding out I was pregnant the previous 3 times.  I remember feeling weird, that I was pregnant but didn't feel like it at all -- like I did with Annie and Rosie's pregnancies.  That was definitely, looking back, the very beginning of my inklings that something was off with that pregnancy...

And here we are a year later.  17.5 weeks pregnant with #5, our little rainbow on a date when I usually do some cute comparison snaps of an almost 4 month old baby and the positive pregnancy test from a year before.  But unfortunately, that's not the case this year.  Instead, this is our reality:

And man, does that sting.  And I'm sure you're reading this or seeing this pic (if I shared it elsewhere) you're recoiling and cringing and being like WHY WOULD SHE SHARE THAT?!!  Because sometimes those positive pregnancy tests end like this.  They end in loss.  And it sucks.  It really fucking sucks.  And it sucks even more that it's not talked about, not shared about -- it's shied away from and suppressed and pretended like it didn't happen.

But it's our reality and we live it every single day.  Missing our son and little brother fiercely and holding on to whatever memories we have of him...even if it is simple little positive pregnancy tests from a year ago.

Because for the next 18+ weeks Timehop will remind me of Clark and his pregnancy...the 22 weeks I got to carry him and all of the joys and heartbreak it brought along the way.

But I DO want to painful and tough as it is sometimes...I DO want to be reminded of those pregnancy tests and emotions of joy and excitement and announcement pics and first ultrasounds and hearing his heartbeat on the doppler.  Because those memories, however difficult they may seem, are all that I've got with him.  And they make me smile too, because they remind me when he was very much alive in my belly.  Because when he was born he was forever sleeping, but these pictures and videos and memories we'll be graced with the next many months in my Timehop memories remind us that Clark lived and grew and was very much a part of our family, our #4.

I'm challenging myself these next several months to try and find the joy in these memories instead of always focusing on the heartbreak they would bring.  I know that's going to be difficult and some days near impossible to do, because that hole in my heart of missing my little boy is just so deep and painful it physically hurts, but I am going to push on and really try to find the good in the situation (even just memories!) that faces me...something I've been trying to do for the past 8+ months...and remind myself that Clark hand-picked this little rainbow growing so perfectly in my belly to join our family shortly after his first birthday next year.  And I'll keep crying tears of happiness and joy for that all the days that I live.

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