I didn't cry today.

I talked about Clark a lot today and didn't cry.  It almost feels surreal; I was telling my mom that earlier, that I don't think it's really SET IN.  It just feels, ahhh, it just feels strange.  Like I still cannot wrap my head around all the news we have gotten (and continue to get) about our sweet little man.  It is just surreal...and with that comes this incredible feeling of drain and exhaustion.  I mean I'm not sleeping well AT ALL (partially due to pregnancy and the obviously everything else) so that adds to it, but I think I am just drained in every possible way.

But I keep pressing on.  I keep snapping (like this gorgeous wedding Mike and I snapped yesterday) and keep going because I will be okay.  I keep telling myself that -- when things pile up and get stressful and everything: I WILL BE OKAY.  Although, not gonna lie, at the wedding I felt like I was dying (think 35 week pregnant but really actually only 20) my back and ribs hurt and I was just miserable.  I can definitely feel the heaviness of all of the fluid in there and I am soooooo glad it was my last big event of the fall (and last wedding EVER!!).

So my last post was after my amnio and then I had an appointment setup with the high risk OB Friday morning.

Welp, let me tell you how Friday went down -- talk about contributing to my high level of anxiety: my appointment was at 10am.  At 6am I got a call that one of my birth mamas was at 8cm and getting close...so up to the hospital I went.  Now, what are the chances she'd deliver RIGHTTTT when my appointment was??!!  I mean, given my recent luck, pretty darn good.  Welp, fortunately, out of all of the hospitals and docs she was at MoBap (where my doc is at) AND her doc was the same high risk OB I was seeing at 10am!  So actually it was okay...or I kept telling myself.  HA!  Anyways mom delivered (and did AMAZING!) at 9:30am and I was able to boogey over to my appointment (which both the doc and I were late for....for the same reason! haha!) so all of my anxieties actually worked out.

My appointment with the high risk OB lasted 2+ hours.  Not kidding.  This guy is awesome -- and SOOOO thorough.  10+ vials of blood and an ultrasound later and we are kinda of information wise at the same spot we were when we went in.  I mean, there are soooooo many unknowns going on, and he's going through and doing everything he can think of to figure out what is going on with our little guy and what the causes are for all of his issues. Fortunately we did see him moving around on the screen again, so that's good...but still no movement felt on my end yet.  We basically just set a game plan of me seeing him every week for an ultrasound and appointment for the next few weeks and literally 'taking it as we go' from there.  We did decide (or he told me. haha) that Clark will definitely be born via c-section, whether that's in a week or fifteen.  It is the safest exit route for him and myself regardless of the time frame, so that has been decided.  Luckily my amazing OB will be scrubbing in with him as well -- I'm so glad she is going to be there too...and that I still get to check in and see her.  She really has been such a {medical} rock for me through this thus far and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be upset if I didn't continue to get to see her.  I did flat out ask what we were probably looking at with Clark...and I was told frankly they expect him to pass in-utero at some point (potentially soon)...so that is just tough to swallow.  Obviously no one knows FOR SURE what's happening with him or when he's going to come...but just hearing that is tough.  And especially knowing I have to go through major surgery again to birth a baby I most likely will just say hello and see you later to and not have that wonderful newborn goodness distraction to get me through that recovery.  Oh boy.

Anyways, with the tons and tons of tests they've done I've gotten info coming through on my doc's app all weekend and of course it's above my ER-series medical knowledge so I already have a ton of questions about what it means next time I see a doc...you know, just adding to the fog that's my mind right now with everything racing through it.

We hopefully will get the full chromosomal report late this week so we'll know if our sweet boy has some rare chromosome issue that is causing some/all of his issues...along with getting blood work results and other test results back too which hopefully, along with continued ultrasounds, will shed some light on what's going on with our little guy.

But, not gonna lie, this hasn't left my mind for even a second in the 11+ days since we got this news.  I feel like everything is revolving around this and it's consuming me -- literally consuming me.  I'm trying to keep busy doing anything (mostly taking pictures and entertaining the big kiddos) but it's SO HARD.  And I know it's going to stay hard and probably get even harder as the days and weeks come.  Heck, this little guy is such a part of our family that I'm sure even years from now he'll always be on my mind.

Anyways, that's the realllllly brief notes on my first visit with the high risk OB.  Again, not much to really report other than hopefully the tests we're doing will shine some light...soon.  My mental state could totalllllllly use it.

Even though Friday was chaotic, my new ring came and it really really makes me happy to wear it -- my 4 kiddos.  All together.

And speaking of, my amazingly awesome and dear bestie internet buddy (which soon to be real life cause that's one of my 2019 goals is to GET TO NEW YORK AND MEET HER IN PERSON!!) sent me this necklace:

And it is just freaking AMAZING.  I love it so much and love even more than amazingly awesome support and friends we have out there who are literally showering us (still!!) from everything from texts and calls to playdates and pizza and gift cards and goodies.  We seriously have the best support network and I'd just be lost without them.

Just a few random snappies from our weekend...like I said: so busy with pictures and kiddos but it's good -- it's giving me an outlet to keep doing what I love and not just sit on my couch being depressed...because even as tempting as that is, I know that is NOT GOOD for me now or in the long run.

Our wonderful friends had us over this morning for some cookie decorating at the kiddos LOVED IT.  Patrick, decked out in his new army fatigues (thank you garage sale and mom!), couldn't get enough of his cookies and neither could his little sisters.  It was just the Sunday morning distraction we needed before soccer and naps and photo shoots and editing and allllll the hustle and bustle of the end of the weekend.

Patrick snapped this pic of me tonight (we had the Polaroid out cause Rosie brought Brownie Bear home again and we had to document their weekend) and I kinda love it.  I'm documenting the heck out of our little C's journey as much as I can I LOVE when Patrick asks to take a pic of his little brother in mommy's belly -- I will let him do it and share the heck out of it every.single.day. if he wants to.  We love you some much little Clark...keep fighting in there baby boy.  We cannot wait to meet you.

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