The Nights.

It's been barely 48 hours since we found out about our sweet boy, and yet, it feels like forever.  Maybe that's because this entire pregnancy has just felt so 'different' to me -- like I always had an inkling that something was off.  I would tell my friends constantly, "We have three perfectly healthy kiddos -- are we really going to luck out with a fourth?!" I had NEVER EVER said that with the past kids.  "Luck out", like it truly was some lottery.  But this one I've found myself saying it more and more...and back to mother's intuition...but I guess deep down I really did know something was indeed off.

I am exhausted.  Mentally, physically, everything.  Yet here I am, typing away at almost midnight, yearning to go to bed, but avoiding it.  I don't want to.  That's when my head starts flooding with everything. EVERYTHING.  Everything of the past couple days.  The ultrasounds.  The doctors' words.  The what's to come that is truly unknown and scary as shit and so many uncertainties.  Just everything.  And then everything with my sweet sweet boy: things I see Patrick doing that I know we probably aren't going to see our second son KHS class of 2037.  What am I even going to do with that shirt now?!??!  And all of the other little clothes and blankets I've gotten for this babe?! My head can't stop spinning.  This is why I dread when the nights come.  I find myself exhausted but staying up late playing on social media, editing photos, grading assignments -- anything but going to sleep.  I just don't want to face it.  Because I do drift off but it's restless.  I wake up in tears, wishing Mike wasn't at work so I had someone to snuggle up with, and flip the TV back on to get lost in the carefree world of HGTV.  It just plain sucks.  And it's day two.  DAY TWO.  How on earth am I going to endure the what's to come?!!  I'm trying to take it one minute at a time.  Just focus on the minute now and not all of the potentials of the far off future.

What is getting me through thus far is the support -- our family, friends, heck even internet strangers I've only 'met' on social media -- has been just incredible.  We can feel the love and support and it is just wonderful and SOOOO needed.  Heck, even today a few friends dropped of totally unexpected little treats (cookies! gift cards! necklace!) for us just to say they were thinking of us.  I could cry with their sweetness and thoughtfulness during this time.  It is SOOOO needed and so wonderful.  And all of the friends and family who have text or emailed or called just to check in -- it does help a ton.  And feels so good to be loved and know our little guy is SO loved.

Anyways, I am rambling...and I don't even know why?!  I guess cause it feels good to type this out and write it down.  Because the good and the bad, I am going to continue to document and celebrate this little man as much as I possibly can.  He's very much alive inside of me (even though I can't feel him, I do FEEL him because I know he's there and I know he can hear me) and I want him to know that he is loved. SO LOVED.  And I never want to stop feeling that about him, whether it be now, a minute from now, or twenty years from now.  I love this little boy so much and am cherishing all of the time we are getting to spend with him...even if it's inside the coziness of my belly.

Patrick snapped this pic of me tonight without me really knowing it (I swear that kid has a phone with the camera opened ALL OF THE TIME NOW!) and I kinda love it.  I'm happy -- and I truly am.  I am so happy and proud to be this little boy's mom and carry him and celebrate his growth inside my tummy.  And I'm so happy my big little guy captured this of us.  My boys.  My little men.  I love them so much. SO MUCH.

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