Today Sucked.

Gosh that's a harsh title.

But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't true.  Today did suck big time.

I was re-reading last year's Thanksgiving post and then got sucked into 2016's and 2015's and looking at all of the pics and gah, I was so happy.  Joyous.  So thankful.  It hit me realllllllly hard with the 2016 vs. 2017 family comparison pics and my line about, "Wonder what 2018 will look like...stay tuned!" And a year ago I hoped it'd resemble 2016's with a pregnant belly on me and three kiddos around Mike and I.  And if Thanksgiving was a month ago, that's exactly what it would have looked like.  But instead, no family photo was taken (regretting that. But is it weird that it's like I don't want to take a family photo anymore? Because part of our family cannot be in it??!! Ugh.) and instead I wasn't happy or joyous or wondering what 2019's will look like...I was just sad and missing a big part of us and just, ugh.  Not feeling it.

This year I really just feel blah.  I don't want to say I'm unthankful or ungrateful...the farthest from it.  I'm just not feeling the cheerful holiday joy I usually do this time of the year.  And it sucks...a lot.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dreading, absolutely dreading, Christmas time.  Which really sucks because it's my favorite time of the year and I love seeing the joy in my kids' eyes grow each and every year as they get older and older and understand more about the magic of Christmas.  This year it's going to be a real struggle for me to be so happy...I'm going to try.  I promise.  But it'll be a struggle because part of my heart isn't here with us.

I posted this on Facebook...

I didn’t feel like celebrating today. Holidays are tough...and I’m sure are going to continue to be going forward. But even still, I am incredibly thankful to these four and that they chose me to be their mama -- the good, the not so good, and everything in between. And to their daddy who is truly the best guy ever and I couldn’t imagine walking through this crazy journey of life with anyone else. 

Even though a piece of our heart is missing today, we know he’s smiling down on us from above. 💙 Happy Thanksgiving everyone — squeeze those loved ones of yours so tight and tell them every single day how much they mean to you.

And it's true.  I didn't feel like doing much of anything today.  I skipped our second Thanksgiving celebration because I just didn't want to go.  Didn't want to be around people.  I went to our first one and was just meh the whole time.  And it sucked cause it was such a gorgeous day out too...but yeah, wasn't feeling it.

This morning Patrick went to the annual Turkey Day game with my dad (excellent photo documenting snap dad) and the girls and I stayed home to bake cookies for our Thanksgivings and then we decided to hit up our favorite park for a bit before waking Mike up to go to lunch.

The girls had a BLAST.  Especially in the leaves and on the swings.  And I decided to bring my camera which felt good -- when I'm snapping I am literally thinking of nothing else but what I'm capturing.  My mind doesn't race, it doesn't think about all of the what ifs, what I'm missing so much, it is just focused on capturing what's at hand.  And I NEED THAT.  I need that distraction, that work, because it's a nice break from the constant mind racing it has been doing for the past 6 weeks. 

So if you're wondering "Wow, she can go back to taking all of these pictures but doesn't want to go to this function, or cancels plans on me..." welp, now you know why.  Because photography, and capturing families and babies and births and whatever I am snapping -- even my own kiddos -- is soooooo needed right now.  It's my escape.  It's therapeutic to me.  So let me have that.  Let me do that, because it feels right, it's helping me cope, it's being the much-needed distraction I need.  And don't be angry when I bail on things cause I'm not feeling up to it.  Don't message you back right away (or at all.  Oops.  I do forget to respond occasionally).  Don't want to go do things.  Give me a break from that and be okay with me doing what is best for my sanity right now -- and I'll be back to joining in eventually.

My OCD is on overdrive that I don't have my traditional cheery, uplifting, 'can't wait to see what next year looks like!' Thanksgiving post... but dammit, this is real life.  And sometimes life is sad and tough and holidays look like this.  But it's okay, I will be okay, we will be okay.  It's just all part of the journey we're on...and maybe sharing that today sucked (for me, I think the kids would argue it was an awesome day...which is good) and someone else reads this and is like, 'hey, my day sucked too...and that was okay that it did' is going to help them.

A friend shared this from @abeautifullyburdenedlife's Instagram and I just love it.  SO FREAKING TRUE.  Grieving and grateful today.  Absolutely I am.

I'll leave you with this post from @ramshackleglam from Instagram.  Ohhhhhh how it applies to today.

Hope everyone had a great Turkey Day -- I mean, I did enjoy the food at least :) -- and even if you didn't, it's okay.  Snuggle up with those loved ones, tell them how much they mean to you, and you'll be okay.  We all will.  As Scarlett O'Hara said, "Tomorrow is another day."

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