February 26th, 2019

February 26th…your c-section date.  And yet, here we are nearly 4 months after your early sleeping arrival celebrating the heck out of you in our most favorite place in the entire world.  Not a day goes by that my mind isn’t flooded with the what ifs…the biggest being what if you were still here with us.  But Clark, our sweet little Clark, you had bigger and better plans from above, and that’s where we know you are always now, watching over us and shining down big on your brother and sisters.  We hope we are making you proud, and will keep celebrating you and your name as loudly as we can, today and for all the days to come.  We love you so much Clark — hope you’re smiling down on us from above 💙

I'm not going to lie and say I haven't been dreading this day to come.  Because I have...in so many ways.  Every day since October 29th is a day that I should have been pregnant...and now here we are on what should have been your birthday at 39 weeks.  But it's not, and man, it sucks.  It really fucking sucks.  And I'd be lying if I didn't feel an incredible amount of dread when I woke up today a little before 5am Hawaii time.

BUT, I am pushing on, challenging myself to make the best of today -- YOUR DAY -- and find the good in this most beautiful place on earth and celebrate YOU today.  Yes, I can sulk around and be upset, but I really am going to try and stay positive, think of all of the good you've done from up there (and continue to do -- what an inspiration you are to me little buddy!!) and know that I've got the best little angel watching down over us always.  And also think of the good that is to come...because if our time in Hawaii has taught us anything thus far, there seems to always been a big colorful rainbow that appears after every dark storm.

So happy would have been birth day, little Clark.  We love you so much and miss you every second of every day.  Keep shining bright down on us little buddy.

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